The Truth

The truth is I am a very, very jealous person--always have been, always will be. I am an only child what can I say? What's mine is mine and well, don't mess with it. I never wanted brother's or sister's (not that I was going to get them, lol) because I didn't want to share my parents or their attention with anyone else. Then I got married and had children, um, hello, what was I thinking? lol I learned to share, a little. I also learned that there are people out there who have had to share all their lives and that I am very lucky for what I have and have been given. I will be the first to tell you I am a spoiled brat, but I will also be the first to tell you that I am grateful for everything. I am not selfish and I would give you the shirt off my back if you needed it. But don't cross me because I can be vengeful and you won't win. My friends are the best and know who I am and how I am and love me regardless and they back me 100%--you don't want to cross them either because again you won't win :) I have learned the hard way that there are very few people out there that I can trust. Just when you think you can trust someone they go and stab you in the back--but keep coming back trying to be nice to you, I just don't get it. Either like me or don't, but don't pretend, don't be fake. I can be caddy and bitchy, well because I enjoy it--but I am also loving, caring, understanding, honest, a good listener and a good friend. But once you breach my trust it's gone forever. My family means the world to me and I would do anything for them (most of them). It is really sad when drama and people who don't know what they are talking about come into a family and start twisting truths and spreading lies and ruin a good thing, but I guess it happens from time to time and there is nothing you can do but move on. So, that is what I am doing, moving on. I needed closure from what had happened a couple months ago and I got what I needed today. My cousins girlfriend informed me (in a round about way) that they (I"m assuming her and him) were done with me and I was out of their life for good. That' fine, except I will never be out of their life "for good"--I am HIS family and we will cross paths again at some point--probably OUR Grandparents funeral. Like I said before, blood is thicker than water. I know the truth and the people in my life that matter know the truth and that is what is important. So, I'm closing this chapter and moving along....finally.

Pinewood Derby

Gage did really well today for his first Pinewood Derby. Thankfully Cody was home at the right time this year to help him with his derby car, otherwise I'm afraid it just would have been a block of wood with wheels on it, lol. The made a 'wedge' car and painted it green (Gage's favorite color) with a Texas Longhorn painted on the top of it and orange flames on the side. We had to be at the Elks Club in New London today for 11am--but of course because I am notoriously early everywhere, I got there at 10:45 and I'm glad I did. We had to weigh, and re-weigh the car a couple of times to make sure it was within standards, then finally we were able to submit it. Then the waiting began. My Mom, Bubbi, Alan, and Susan all came so that was fun--and Gage I think really liked having them there too! There were a ton of people in that hall, it was crazy! The Tigers were up first, and because we were early, Gage was the 3rd car to race. In the first heat he placed 3rd--in the second heat the clock said he placed 2nd, but the boys put him in the 5th spot (not so sure what was up with that) and in the third heat he placed 5th--overall I think that was really good for his first derby. He wasn't upset at all that he didn't win, I think he just had fun watching all the cars race--plus the fact that there was food there helped too! Here are a couple pictures from today.



Gages car all the way to the left



The waiting was tough--but he was really good
and all the boys were so excited!


Gages car on the left in the first heat took 3rd

It's amazing how fast these little things go!

Those are all the boys in his den (blue and orange hats)--Pack 36 Tiger Scouts

New Paint

Last weekend one of my very best friends and her daughter spent the weekend at my house and helped me paint one of my recently vacated rooms. I wasn't thinking so I didn't get any before shots, but if you look at one of my previous posts with the pictures of Cody and the kids the day he left to head back to Hawaii, it's the color in the background--earthen mud--hideous and had to go!
We started Friday night with Chinese food and a relaxing evening just hanging out gossiping with out coffee on the couch. Then bright and early Saturday morning with Dunkin Donuts in hand we got to work. We stopped for lunch around 11-11:30--I love that Pappa Gino's delivers :) And then right back to work! We were all done, clean up and room put back together by 4:30-5:00. Jamie and Lele packed up the car and headed home and I finished cleaning and decorating my new room. I love how bright and cheery it is now, instead of dark and gloomy--I just love it! Thank you Jamie so much for helping me, there is no way I would have been able to do this without you! You're the best!!!! I love you!!

So here are a couple after pictures-


That's Gage playing the Wii (which by the way we all love)
I still need to put more things on the walls, but it's a start.


Behind that door is a bathroom, which we also painted
I couldn't take a picture at the time because Skyler was in there, lol.
Isn't is just so bright and shiny? lol

Just Another Snowy Weekend

This weekend was great! It was forcasted to snow on Saturday, and of course every weatherman and weather station had a slightly different take on when it was going to start, how long it was going to last and how much we were going to get. So, I planned to do nothing outside of my house all weekend. And I didn't, well for the most part anyway.

I had a late meeting at work on Friday--who does that?--so I had my Mom take the kids to her house after school and I would just get them from there. Of course they didn't want to leave, but I was exhausted and just wanted to get home. I had no milk or eggs, so I had to stop at the little quickie mart down the street before heading to the house. I had so much I wanted to do this weekend I decided to start cleaning the house Friday night so that I could get down to the organizing and purging Saturday and Sunday. So my friends, that is how I spent my Friday night--vacuuming, dusting, cleaning kids bedrooms, doing dishes--yeah, never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine that is what my Friday nights would look like, funny isn't it?

Saturday morning the little people actually let me sleep in until 8am--HOLY CRAP IT'S A MIRACLE!!!! That is rare in this house let me tell ya. Now don't get me wrong, there are many weekends where I don't get out of bed until 8am or after, but that by no means doesn't mean I was sleeping--I am usually laying there, trying to sleep while the two little darlings lay next to me fidgeting and fighting and pull at the covers and kick and argue and the list goes on, until finally I decide it's time to get up :) So, for them to actually remain in their beds, asleep themselves until 8am, is a miracle.
Once we did get up we ate breakfast and all dispersed our separate ways for pretty much the entire day. I was up in my room cleaning out our closet (what a task in a half that was!) the kids were each in separate rooms watching t.v. or playing video games. We met up in the kitchen for lunch and to chat for a bit and discuss what we wanted to do for the rest of the day. We pretty much decided we liked what we were doing and were going to continue doing that--works for me. Skyler ended up going to a friends house, she was going to sleepover there, but then the friend changed her mind--we had a minor meltdown, but we overcame it as usual. Gage was bummed that she wasn't sleeping at her friends house because I told him we would have a sleepover in my room (they both can not sleep in bed with me, not gonna happen) and now that wasn't going to happen. Then I told him we would get Burger King for dinner, but then it started to snow, so that wasn't going to happen either--poor kid, lol. I gave them a choice of Chinese, pizza or I could make pork chops--they chose Chinese (go figure) so we had that and they ended up having a sleepover in the t.v. room so all was well at the end of the night.

We woke up this morning to snow on the ground--not as much as I thought we were going to get, so that was good. I had zero desire to get out there and scrape the car off at 8am this morning though so we did not make it to church this morning (I know, I'm bad and I'm probably going to hell) I felt bad about it, I really did, I'm not just saying that--especially after playing hookie on Thursday from CCD--ugh--I hate feeling guilty--I'm going to have to come up with something really good for the kids to do on Thursday at class to make up for it! Anyway, today was pretty much like yesterday--I'm still in my pj's that I put on Friday night before I went to bed--the kids went to friends houses for a little while today. I was going to organize a little more, but then ended up just watching movies most of the day, it was kind of nice. Skyler rode her bike to her friends house--totally against my advice--and then ended up calling me because she didn't want to ride it back (uh duh?!?!?) so I figured while I was out picking her up we might as well run over to my parents house and get out of our house for a while. So we did. Yup, I was still in my pj's :) I'm glad we went over, Mom had made stew so we got dinner out of it--I love when that happens! We hung out there for a while and then came back home, the kids played video games, did homework, had tubs and I just put them to bed a little while ago. Now all is quiet and I can get ready for the week ahead--is it Friday yet?

Amused

I'm not sure why I let things get to me the way I do, but I do. That's just me Iguess. I was going to write someone a long probably not so nice e-mail, but instead I thought I would write here, I find it's probably a lot less confrontational, but yet I get my angst out. Afterall that is what blogging is here for right? To write about what's on your mind.

Well, I have a lot on my mind--and until recently (today to be exact) it was all good stuff, like getting organized, fixing up the house, hoping and praying Cody makes officer, trying to figure out a way to be together as a family sooner rather than later--all that good for you-soul-searching-kind of stuff. Then I started e-mailing back and forth with Amber (remember her from a few blogs earlier) at work today. It started out totally work related until I mentioned wanting to hand over this project we are working on to someone else. She asked me why, was I leaving the mailroom, because unless I was we were stuck with this project. I said no, not leaving the mailroom, leaving CT. And that opened up a hole new topic of conversation that wasn't work related.

I should have known better, because I knew her well (we did spend every waking minute together for 3months) and just ended that topic and moved back to work--but I didn't. I won't bore you with details, but it went back and forth and she told me that she was no longer dating my cousin (Tom) and was dating other people. She hadn't seen Jess since they went and got tattoos together. She rarely goes on myspace anymore (which I know for a FACT is not true) she wasn't going to pretend to want to marry Tom just to be friends with Jess and that she has been hanging out with her "real friends"--fine whatever. But then, here's the kicker--the ah ha! The moment where I get to say "I told you so" and I will copy and paste it here:

"yes we are, we're the only ones who knew about tom. Hopefully now he knows. Or hopefully he does. If not, he will find out the hard way. I am kind of sick of him again already lol it doesn’t take much hes just not my kind of person " "I don’t consider tom anything more than a friend. That’s it."

What she was referring to by saying we were the only one's that knew about Tom, was that we were the only one's that knew she wasn't in it for the long run that it was just a fling perse nothing serious. I tried to tell them that when we had are big blow up but no one listened to me, thought I was lying and making things up to make her look bad, so to all of that I say, I told you so.

Moving on--I don't really care about any of that--I mean it irks me and pisses me off, but whatever, I'll get over it. What really bothers me is that she said that she barely talks to Jess, yet Jess is all excited about me moving now. How do I know this you ask, I have my ways :) Which means, Amber must have told her--don't lie to me, if you are still friends and still talk and hang out then fine, that is why I removed myself from the situation to begin with remember? I'm not telling you anything that I wouldn't tell them if they asked, I have no secrets, so what you are doing is completely childish--move along now.

And to Jess, who says "Good Get Out"--I will, don't worry. I'm done dealing with you and your drama and bi-polar-ness (you should have that taken care of before you have kids) But you will never be rid of me--I am family, I was here first, LONG BEFORE YOU, so it doesn't matter where in the USA or the world I am, this is MY family NOT YOURS remember that.

Playing Hookie

I'm suppose to be at CCD right now--not just at CCD, but teaching CCD :-/ But alas, I sit in front of my computer and blog to you. Thursdays is my 'why did I even get out of bed day'--I hate Thursdays. And it's my own doing, I could have easily said no, and just had my Mom drop the kids off at 4pm and pick them up at 5pm like she did last year--but no, I'm a sucker. They needed another teacher, so of course they asked me, and of course because I can't say no to anyone, ever, I agreed to teach. I have a class of 9 six-year-old's, my son being one of them. Most days they are o.k. But on days like today when my lesson is not planned out and we are coming off of two weeks off, they are not going to be o.k.--I can just sense it. On top of going to and teaching CCD from 4-5pm we have Brownies from 5:30-6:30pm and when fate has it, we also have cub scouts from 6:30-8:30pm, which means I am out of my house from 7:5oa.m to roughly 9pm on most Thursdays--are we understanding now why I hate Thursdays and why today I am playing hookie? I just need to catch up on life after the holidays and get back into the swing of things--next week I will not be blogging to you on a Thursday evening because I will be busy teaching 6-year-old's about God, but tonight, I'm going to fold laundry.

Who Says You Can't Choose Family? My Vent!

The past couple of months have been very difficult for me and my family. We are a very close, tight knit family, or we use to be anyway and that has all come unraveld these past few months.

My husband and I are very blessed to have the house we do, 5 bedrooms, 3 full baths, living room, dining room kitchen, sunroom (heated), huge yard and plenty of space. So when my two cousins, who are like brothers to me, needed somewhere to stay of course I wasn't going to say no. We took them in with open arms. Of course there were stipulations, they needed to pay us rent, $200 a month ($400 for the one who's girlfriend was moving in also) and they had to help out around the house, not bad right? My one cousin, Joel, had lived with me when we first bought the house, moved out to live with his girlfriend (Jess) then they both moved back in with me. My other cousin (Tom) had broken up with his girlfriend of four years and needed somewhere to stay.

So, Tom moved in Feb. '08 and Joel and Jess followed in April. At first it was great--we had so much fun. It was our own little 'community'. Then the summer came and little things started happening here and there--no big deal, these things happen when people live together. Then rent started being late, or non-existant--o.k., I can let it slide once, maybe twice, but come on now, $200 a month really isn't that much. But, because I am the person I am, I never said anything, which started causing stress between Cody and I, and we already have enough stress being that we live thousands of miles apart we didn't need this.

Then in July I introduced Tom to a 'friend' from work, Amber. I thought they would make the best couple. I thought this from the first moment I met Amber--but I knew she had a boyfriend and Tom had a girlfriend, but still, I couldn't help but think how cute they would be together. So, when I found out that she and her boyfriend had broken up and she was moving down to the area I was so excited. I invited her to the fireworks and they seemed to hit it off.

As the weeks and months went on Amber and I (and Tom) were inseperable, we did everything together. She was the one friend that I had that had no responsibilties and could come over every night and keep me company or go run errands with me or whatever. Everything was great. Then her and Jess started talking, awesome! I wanted them to be friends, I had no problems with them being friends.

The issue came when Amber would come over and hang out and tell me that Jess wanted to hang out the next day and she really didn't want to because she didn't like her or whatever so we would have to come up with a reason why she couldn't--huh? Seriously? But then she would go and make plans to hang out with Jess anyway another day, and so it began. The back stabbing and gossipping and acting like they were in high school again (they are only 26 and act like they are 18 so I guess I should have expected that).

So, one day, the day after Thanksgiving (which was the worst this year) Amber and I were suppose to go shopping--I thought Jess was going to go because she was sitting in Ambers car. Jess and I hadn't spoken in weeks, so I wasn't going to do that to either one of us--I said I would take my own car and follow her to the store. On my way to drop the kids' off I got a text saying that Tom and Jess were going to the mall with her because I had made other plans (I said I was meeting a friend for dinner after we went shopping). The texts went back and forth and finally I said I was removing myself from the situation and that if she wanted to be friends with Jess that was fine, but I didn't want to be a part of it anymore. The following Friday we were suppose to go to NY together on a bus trip, so I told her I wasn't going to go and that if Tom and Jess wanted my tickets they could have them.

Rude, insulting lies insinuated from there on out. And not just from Amber, but from Jess and Tom. They accused me of cheating on my husband or wanting to or whatever and everything else they could think of just because I removed myself from a situation I no longer wanted to be a part of. I expected a lot of that from the girls, but never from Tom, my own family, especially after all I have done for him.

I have lied for him, I have bailed him out of trouble, given him money countless times (and still have yet to see any of it back) and kept secrets he has asked me to keep--like when he pawned all his mothers good jewelry to buy drugs. And I did that because he was family, and my Aunt, their mother kept throwing in my face that family comes first and family is always there for each other and family this and family that. Well this is what I have to say to that--Family doesn't treat family the way those two boys have treated me! I gave them a place to stay pretty much rent free and never once said anything to them about it and what did I get in return? Not a damn thing. Did they help with the kids, absolutely, and I am grateful for that, did they cook, nope, did they clean, yeah but it was an act of congress to get them to.

I haven't spoken to them since they moved out and I can honestly say that I haven't felt this stress free in a long time. There was so much tension in this house it was ridiculous. Jess and Amber caused so much drama, and still are because I still hear everything regardless of what they probably think, that it's sad. It's their fault that this family it torn apart, two strangers who aren't even a part of this family (and God willing never will be) did this, how sad--they're sad. But it's o.k. because I have become closer to those that mean the most to me, my parents, MY grandparent's and my friends--my real friends that love me for who I am, who stand by me no matter what, who will never stab me in the back and who I choose to be My Family.

If for some reason Joel and Tom read this, know that I do love you and I always will YOU are my family

First Night Alone

Trying to get a picture of us before he left--at
least he took nice ones with the kids :)



Dad and Gage



Dad and Skyler



So, last night was my first night "alone". Of course I wasn't completely alone, the kids were here. But it was the first night I was going to have to sleep by myself after having Cody home for a visit. I hate the 'first night'. I hate the 'first day'. I got home from the airport yesterday and did nothing--I literally sat in front of the computer and kept busy from 9am until about 5pm then I stopped, fed the kids, folded some laundry, chatted on the phone and proceeded to get right back on the computer. It was like therapy, as long as I was in front of the computer keeping busy my mind couldn't wander and I couldn't be sad. Then came bed time. Oh how I hate bed time on the 'first night'. The kids seemed to be o.k. Skyler had that far off look in her eyes and asked her what was wrong, she just said that she missed Dad and wished he was still here. I told her I did too, but hopefully we would see him again soon and we would call him after school tomorrow then kissed her goodnight. I went into Gage's room and he was already in bed. I gave him a hug and kiss and said goodnight, told him I loved him and went downstairs. A few minutes later I heard him sniffing so I listened and that's when I heard him crying. So I called for him to come downstairs and see me. I asked him what was wrong and he said he missed his Dad--again, I told him I did too, but that he had to get some sleep because he had school the next day and Daddy would want him to do good. He said o.k. and went back upstairs. Then I sat, and sat, and sat--tried to watch some t.v. wasn't really into it, just sort of stared into space. Finally Cody called from LAX to let me know he had made it that far, we chatted for a little while, I told him about the kids and then it was time for his next flight on to Hawaii.









I sat for a little while longer after the phone call then decided I should probably go to bed seeing as I did have to go to work in the morning. I went upstairs and saw that Gage had been in my bed, but then must have decided to go back to his. Then I saw sitting on my dresser a picture, well a characture (sp?) of Cody and Gage that they had done when we lived in CA, it had been hanging on his bedroom wall. I walked over to it and he has written on it "To mom love Gage". And I lost it. How sweet was that of him to think of me, knowing that I was upset too--he can be so thoughtful and then other times, well that is just a hole other blog in itself. Anyway, I got into bed and I always switch pillows after Cody leaves because his smells like him now, so I did that, then burried my face in it and sobbed. The bed is so empty and cold and lonely and I just miss him. I laid there for I don't know how long just staring at the ceiling when I decided to e-mail him on my iphone that he got me for Christmas :) I thought that would make me a little sleepy, looking at that little screen and all--and it did. I finally rolled over and dozed on and off for the rest of the night until he text me at 4:41am to let me know he had made it safe and sound--I responded with "o.k., I love you"--I'm sure he was wondering why I was up at that hour, lol. Needless to say I didn't sleep well last night at all, I had to work all day today and I am completely exhausted right now. But, I made it thru the 'first night' now the rest is all downhill from here.

It's Been Awhile

I decided this year I wasn't going to make any resolutions persay because Lord knows I don't ever stick with them. Instead I was going to try and just stick to a few goals--which is a feat in itself. One of them being keeping up with this blog, which if you have noticed has not been kept up with since October of '07! Holy moly that is a long time ago and my how things have changed since then! Cody and I are still doing the Geo Batch thing (for the non-military people who may read this, that means he is living in Hawaii while the kids' and I are living in CT) and it is definitely taking it's toll on all of us. We are in our third year of living apart with another year and a half to go :-/ I just brought him to the airport today and after him being home for 16 days, let me tell you that is not an easy thing to do. The kids don't usually go with me because they don't like to see my cry all the way home. But we made them this time because I just wanted to come home after, I didn't want to go anywhere else to get them, I just wanted to come home and to our house and be by ourselves. Skyler took it really hard this time, she cried with me, not all the way home, but she did cry. She doesn't understand why we can't go with him. Gage was o.k., but I know it will hit him tonight at bedtime and he will start thinking about his Dad. At this point a lot of you who don't know me, or know our story are probably wondering why we didn't go to Hawaii with him, I mean, after all it is paradise right? Well here is a little background on why I didn't want to go.

Cody had a year left in CA and I decided that the kids and I would move back here to CT to save money so that we could buy a house at our next duty station which was suppose to be in GA (that's right, we were suppose to be in GA right now). One day while I was at Target with Gage looking for pants for him my cell phone rings. It was Cody saying that he found these "great" orders....to Hawaii. Huh? That was NOT the plan. But he needed to know right then whether or not he should take them because they would go fast. I had no time to process anything (remember I was in the middle of Target) and the orders were something that he has wanted to do FOREVER--so really, who was I to tell him no, right? So, in a snap decision, I said yes, take them. OMG--what did I just do?!?!?! I don't want to live in HI! I have heard nothing but horrible things about the school systems, the natives, the prices, everything. (key word being 'heard') Later on that night when I talked to Cody we talked about the orders and what it was he would be doing. At the time it was understood that he wouldn't be home a lot, so why would I want to be somewhere where I didn't know anyone or how to get anywhere (if you have met me you know that I am geographically illiterate--even with a GPS) and my husband was going to be gone all the time? That is when I decided that the kids and I would stay in CT, we would buy a house and that would be that for the next 3years. Well my friends, let me just tell you that is not at all how it is. He is home more often than not (meaning he doesn't go out to sea hardly at all) so we could all be together as a family right now in HI discovering new and exciting things. All the people that he as actually spoken to (key work being 'spoken') about the school systems say that as long as you do your research and get them into the right school then they will be fine. I have heard many, many positive things about the island since he has been on it. Looking back, I thought I was doing what was best for my children, but it turns out what I thought was best for them really isn't. I'm starting to think that if we were together as a family they would do so much better emotionally and academically.

Cody has put in an officer package, so hopefully we will find out in Feb/March if he made it (keeping our fingers crossed that he does) and then in October he will commissioned and we can all be together again. Of course there are a lot of things that have to happen in the meantime, but that is the plan as of right now. I knew when I married him life was never going to be the same again and I knew it was never going to be easy. What I am just now realizing is that we are a Navy family, like it or not. And what that means is that every 2-3years we pick up and relocate to wherever the Navy tells us to go, whether we like it or not. But that no matter where we go, not matter how far away from "home" everything will be will be just fine because we will always have each other. And you ask, it took you 8 years to figure this out--why yes, yes it did. Eight years and A LOT of soul searching to finally realize what is right for me and my family and to finally stop worrying about what everyone else is going to think.

So, on that note, I have lots of research to do and lots of to-do lists to write myself. This journey is not an easy one, but no one ever said it was going to be right?