Needing An Outlet

It has been a LONG time since I last blogged.  Mostly because I was asked to stop by my Mother.  Apparently she was not liking what I had to say about "friends" of hers, so much for freedom of speech!  So, out of respect for her, I caved and stopped....blogging anyway.  Doesn't mean I stopped talking shit about them or hating them and the fact that my Mom is still friends with them, but whatever, it is what it is I suppose. 
I decided to write today because a lot of things irritate me, lol, and instead of causing hate and discontent on a social media site such as FB like I really want to do I figured I'd just vent to myself essentially here.  Once I get it out of my system I'm usually good to go :)  So, let's see, where do I begin?  How about with L&M Hospital and what a shit hole it is?  I worked there for almost five years and was surrounded by nothing but drama and backstabbing bitches that couldn't/wouldn't mind their own business.  I beleive that if you are sick, need surgery, or just a day off then you should be able to take it without being "coached" about it.  The worker bee's can't do shit without being micro-managed, but the 18 directors they have in HR get away with murder.  While on the subject of getting away with things down there, I think they should start randomly drug testing ALL their employees and then see who they are left with!  Gurantee most drs, nurses and administrators would pop positive for something!  Just sayin.  When anyone asks me now which hospital they should go to I always say Backus--it may not be better, but it's not L&M! 
Hhhhmmm, moving on.  I believe things should be run a certain way, preferably my way, if I'm not in charge my anxiety kicks in and I become a raving bitch.  I may not always be right in the way that I do things, but sitting back and watching someone else take charge is like watching a monkey fuck a football to me and I can't handle.  I will also be the first one to admit that I am VERY selfish.  If it doesn't pertain to me either directly or immediately indirectly (I'll be in the lime light somehow) especially when dealing with family, then I get pissy and again become a raving bitch.  I also HATE being left out of things.  Nothing pisses me off more then not knowing something, or being the last one to find out. 
Next on my  list of things to bitch about today is change.  Not the fact that things change, I know that happens, it's a fact of life, everyone just needs to deal with it.  I guess it's how people act during changes.  My husband is going to be transferring off the boat he is currently on in a couple months and will be reporting to another one.  We attended a function for the kids over the weekend and were treated like we had the plague.  Um, hello, we're not fucking gone yet--still part of the fucking command and so called "family"!  What pisses me off even more is how everyone treats each other.  On our first boat it really was like one big family.  EVERYONE hung out together, all the guys had each other's back, they ALL busted their asses at work and they ALL played hard out of work.  They had a softball team, hockey team, there were boat picnics that the families wanted to go to regardless of how much time the guys had just spent together.  It was actually fun.  All the wives got along.  There was little to no drama and backstabbing.  People respected each other's personal lives and privacy--not now, here we have town criers.  We have a couple in particular that harp on gossip.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE gossip, but shit!  Talk about it, and move on--no need to keep bringing shit up that happened well over a year or so ago--NOBODY CARES!!  I could talk all day about this subject, but I'll stop here.
I'm going to finish this entry by saying that the last thing that pisses me off is people who use to talk to me, who I had in my house on a regular basis, now put on an act when they see me.  Why?  What the fuck did I do to you?  The part that pisses me off is that you can't say either to my face, or in an email or text, "hey, you did x, y & z and that really made me angry....." or whatever.  Nope, instead, I just stop getting invited to things, people just stop talking to me, looking in my direction when we are on the pier together--I have an idea why.  I have several ideas why.  One being who I was hanging out with, and two being that I was telling the command everyone's business.  The second is 100% true.  That was my job.  If I heard things, or new things that I even thought for a second could possibly jeopardize the safety of the boat, you had better believe that I was telling the CO, XO and COB.  Even if it wasn't stuff that would jeopardize the safety of the boat, I was briefing them on the going's on of all the wives.  And if you think it's any different now, think again--ALL YOUR EMAILS ARE READ BEFORE GOING TO YOUR HUSBANDS AND NOT BY THE RADIOMEN :-)
Aaaaahhhhhh----I feel so much better now :)  OH, and one last thing--all y'all bitches that act all high and mighty looking down at me and my husband thinking you know what goes on in our personal life--you might want to take a good, long, hard look at your own relationships!  Remember, I was the ombudsman I was told EVERYTHING, AND I've been DD for A LOT of drunk single sailors who like to tell deployment stories!

Like all good things

This to must come to an end. I started this blog originally to keep up with far away family and my husband who was living in HI at the time. So they could all see the kids are they grew. Then it turned into somewhere I could write when I was lonely and missing my husband or just about our day. Then as the months and years progressed it has turned into my outlet for venting, when I'm pissed. When I'm pissed at someone, no one, the world, whatever. I log on and write. Sometimes I just write, other times I write and it's geared towards someone, or a group of people, and I do intentionally in hopes that maybe they will see it. I don't like confrontation because I'm not strong enough to be mean to peoples faces and say what I want without crying. Crying is ok, I'm not saying it's not, but not when you are trying to state your opinion or tell someone you don't like them just because, then it's a sign of weakness. So, I write, here, on my blog. And, people who I have written about have seen it. And instead of doing what I thought (and wanted, I love an argument and debate) they would do and comment on whatever blog, so we could debate, they either run to my mom or stop talking to me all together. So, I'm going to take my husbands advice seeing as I'm not getting the arguments I was looking for anyway. This is my last blog. I'm not taking it down because I'm proud of what I have written, especially some of the things about my kids and my grandparents and I enjoy looking back on them. From now on I will simply write to vent when I need to where no one else will see it. I know people talk about me behind my back, they always have, it's ok, it's a part of life that is what people do. Not sure why I'm being outcast for it.

You Can Pick Your Friends But You Can't Pick Your Family

Nor can you pick your families friends, unfortunately. Although, most of my families friends are pretty awesome. There are some however that I don't think I would choose if given the choice. Not because they don't treat the family member well, because they do. Not because they aren't good people, because they are. But simply because there can only be one Queen in the castle, and I'm already ruling this kingdom.
That's not to say that the family member still can't be friends with them. And because I have the utmost respect for the family member and appreciate them and love them I can turn the other way. I don't have to like that they are friends, nor do I have to agree with it. And from here on out I will promise to leave the friends alone as long as they do the same. And I apologize for saying anything that may have been taken offensively, I was only venting and using this as my outlet.

Cry Me A River and Opinions ARE Assholes

I can tolerate a lot of things. I can tolerate a lot of people. I can not tolerate the things people say or do when the weather gets bad, so I get a little angsty. Yes, I understand we live in New England, NO SHIT! Yes, I understand the majority of us complain in the winter because it's cold and it snows and in the summer because it's hot and humid--so maybe the minority should jump on the band wagon and stop pretending they love this white, wet, messy crap. We all know you don't! You can't do anything. You can't get out and excecise like a lot of you really NEED to do :) Me included. People are constantly cancelling plans, which royally pisses me off--it's snow. The world will not come to end because it's snowing, I promise. And if you have lived in New England your whole life like many of you proclaim on a daily basis then you should know how to drive in this shit. Is it fun? No. But you can do it. And if you do it right, you will make it you destination. And if you don't, well that leads me to my next topic--death. If you don't, you will die. But guess what? News flash--EVERYONE DIES!! Oh, wait! Did you think you were immortal? LOL You're not. We are born, simply to DIE. I had a fight a couple years ago with my cousin over this topic--it didn't even start out that we were arguing about this, but that is a whole other blog in itself. I said "death is death." He said, yelled, screamed, actually, "NO IT'S NOT!" You see, his father, my uncle committed suicide. Sad? Yes. Devistating? Absolutely. Did he still die? Sure did. I sat in a hospital room for days and watched my uncle who courageously battled Leukemia for 6yrs die, slowly. My whole family lived at the hospital. Everyday we wondered if today would be the day. He finally succumbed to his illness, quietly, peacefully at the age of 50. Did he still die? You betcha. I work in that hospital now, there isn't a day when I don't go up on the floor he was on and don't have flashbacks to those days and remember the pain and suffering we all as a family endoured. Not too many years later my Nana had a stroke. This is a woman that I loved and continue to love with all my heart. There wasn't anything I wouldn't do for her, or her for me. I watched her slowly disapear in front me day by day for months until she was no longer there. Did she still die? Absolutely. My Grandmother is currently in a nursing home suffering from an unspeakable disease that no one, NO ONE will understand unless YOU, YOURSELF have someone close to you go through and see them first hand on a daily basis. The Grandmother I knew, who helped me learn my times tables when I was in fifth grade, then turned around and helped me with my infant daughter so I could get some sleep died a long time ago. What I see now is the shell of the person I once knew walking around trying so desperately to grab onto something familiar. I am no longer familiar to her, I am no longer a memory, I am her long forgotten past. Will she die? Yes. And like the others I will mourn her. But the mourning has to end. Remembering the ones who have died is ok. To continue to mourn years after they are gone, I think is unhealthy and they wouldn't want that. Remember them, celebrate who they were here--not who they could still be if they hadn't died. Like I said, everyone dies. We shouldn't prolong it. My Grandfather wanted to stop taking all his medications and stop going to the doctors after the first of the year. My mom and and my aunt were against it. Who are they to be against it? It's not their life! They have a life to live and to do with as they please. This is his life, he has earned the right to choose to live or die. When people are sick in the hospital and no longer want to fight, who are we to try and coax them? We don't know how they feel, how much pain they are in, how tired they are. If they say no, no more, we need to learn to respect that regardless of how much it hurts. We need to not be so selfish. And we need to stop blaming drs for everything. Drs. are only human. Ok, so the dr didn't prescribe this drug or prescribed a drug that made him/her do, feel, act a certain way--guess what? A lot of medicine is trial and error. Does it suck? Yes. But there is no 100% gurantee on anything, especially life. And speaking of life. While we are still alive we should respect each other's decisions to do what we want with our lives. Just because I choose to stay with my husband because I have a family and I believe in my vows regardless of what he or I have done, doesn't mean anyone should treat us any differently. Not everyone is 'blissfully' happy. My happiness isn't going to mirror the next person's happiness. I love my family--I'm happy with where I am in my life right now. If I call or email or text any of my friends upset about anything, whether it be my husband, my kids, my work whatever, they should listen. Even if it's the one millionth time I've called about the same thing. You may be tired of hearing it, you may give the same advice over and over again--I'm listening--I just don't want to follow it. I just needed someone to vent to. THAT is what friends are for. To be a sounding board, a shoulder to cry on, whether it's once, twice or a million times about the same thing. It shouldn't matter. I try to always listen to my friends. I have friends who call me and complain about the same thing or things ALL the time. That's ok. I'll listen, throw my two cents in and we will move on to other topics. Does it get redundant? Yeah--but if they can't talk to me, who are they going to talk to? There are other places to sound off. FB, Twitter, Myspace. I do it. People complain about things, either to me, or around me, then do nothing to fix it or help themselves so I again will throw my two cents in. If you are trying to lose weight, or complain that you are gaining weight, perhaps eating out and eating unhealthy food all the time isn't the best idea in the world. I'm not the best example of a good eater, but I'm not complaining of gaining either. Yes, I will go no holds bar to lose weight. I have been heavy/fat most of my life. What I have found is that no one really likes the fat kid. I'm guilty, I'll admit it--I'm weight racist. I have 10 more pounds to go and I'll be ultimately happy. I get on the scale every morning neurotically. Currently I'm dropping a pound a day--unhealthy maybe? Slim by summer and beach ready? Definitely :) Ok, my last rant before I go eat my ice cream, yes ice cream and still a pound a day, delectable isn't it? Since I mentioned the beach, how about everyone just stop with the OMG I'm gonna die of skin cancer thing and just go enjoy yourself on the beach. Your skin isn't going to turn to leather if you go for a couple hours once a week. And guess what? YOU'RE GOING TO DIE ANYWAY :-D

Just When Things Were Getting Back To Normal

WOW! Said #1 and #2 still in the picture. Just an FYI nothing is ever going to be the same--just because she came and had lunch with you today doesn't mean she likes you--#2 maybe, actually, yes, I know she likes and misses #2 very much. They have been friends for a very long time until #1 came into the picture. But #1, NOPE! :) Oh well, she's just bored, poor thing. Hopefully that will all be resolved soon so she can stay away from the evil fat ugly bitch! Can't wait to tell my friends about this one! LOL

:)

So the situation at hand has calmed down a bit--or so everyone thinks. I'm not going to cause any intentional trouble, I'm just not going to post anything on FB. This blog is my outlet and if I want to write and vent here I will and if people don't like it, well then, they don't have to read it. My mom finally talked to me and told me that she does support me but wished I wasn't so opinionated. And that if she tells me she doesn't like someone or something that they do or a quirk of theirs that I need to keep it between us. And I know this, and I had kept it between us for a LONG time that she didn't care for said person but I just was pushed to the breaking point of where I was either going to punch her in the throat the next time I saw her or I had to tell her "hey guess what?--my parents hate you too!" :-) Because let me tell you, that made me sooooooo much better. Knowing it was one thing, but to get it out and say it and now to have her know it---ah, sweet release! I've decided to not talk to other said person at lunch table now either. Evidentally I should have seen all along that she was two faced--but I didn't. She would say shit about said person #1 when she wasn't there, but never to her face--then when stuff like this happens she acts all buddy buddy and they form aliances, LOL. Whatever. I think it's funny--and yup I'm gonna continue to talk about them. Not at work or on work time because my union president said that would get me in trouble. But anything I say on my own time using my own computer and such is my business. And well--no names, so................. :-D
Oh, and because I do know that said persons #1 and #2 are still reading this because they are nosey as nosey can be I just want to make something clear that #1 said. She said that I was "losing friends all over the place by the things that I was doing." Um, I can't lose friends, when they weren't my friends to begin with--just as an FYI. The psycho who dated my cousin, wasn't my friend, she kept me company and filled a void when my real friends were busy. When she went psycho and drama insued I was done. Not sure who else you are talking about--never really considered #1 and #2 friends, we never did anything outside of work like friends do, never shared deep dark secrets or anything extraordinarily personal that everyone else didn't already know. So, yeah, wouldn't consider them friends. But anyway, just wanted to clarify that before you make it sound like I just make friends then throw them away, because that is NOT at all what I do. Like I've said before, I have my friends, I have had them for many many years--I intend to keep them. I don't need anymore.

Hurt

I've been thinking about this since last night and I think what I am most pissed off about is the fact that no one is backing me up. Especially my mom. I finally told said person that I didn't like her--I don't, why not tell her. If someone didn't like me I would want to know, and the reason's why. What gets me is that my mom and our other 'friend' that sit at the same lunch table talk shit about said person when she's not there ALL the time, but when it comes time to actually face the facts and admit it, they won't. What the fuck! What are they scared of? I already told her they talk about her--stop making me look like a liar and admit what you said. No one likes confrontation, especially me, but there does come a time when things need to be said. I've said it a 100 times today--if it were me and my daughter, I would back her 100% because she comes before any of my friends regardless of who they are. I would simply tell them that that is who she is, she is strong willed, opinionated and at times very bitchy, but she's my daughter and I love her and I'm going to have to side with her. And yes, I have said shit about you. And no I don't like to always sit with you at lunch and I think you ask to many questions and can't mind your business. Come on, how hard is it to say that? I know everyone has told me to let it go, but I can't--and I'm not going to until my mom sides with me and finally admits that said person is a bitch and that she doesn't want to have anything to do with her anymore. She has other friends, why in Gods name does she need more--and especially this one? Uck!